I live a very hectic and busy lifestyle. I normally get 5-6 hours of sleep each night, silence does not exist in my household, nor time to myself. It is a lifestyle I have choosen, one that I love With four children in three years and starting my own business, I knew life would be a whirlwind. I embrace it the best that I can, although lately I have to admit it feels like it is getting the better of me.
Although I love my job, it is physically and emotionally draining at times. A lot is expected of me and people do not always realize the sacrifices I have made at times to keep it running. But it’s not my job right now draining me.
Do you know at least once a day I am told I a crazy for having four children. I don’t think this at all. Actually up until a couple months ago, we were going to be welcoming another to the household. I have to say, I was very excited, because this was a bit of a fluke. After having Kaleb, we thought we were done with babies so took the steps to make that a reality. Not the first time we made a decision too quickly. Then newborns starting flooding the studio and I realized we acted too soon, I wanted more. I kept this to myself for awhile, but then one day when my husband said to me out of the blue that he was sad Kaleb was our last baby and would have been happy to have more, I told him I thought the same. Little did I know, that was already a reality.
When my body started feeling strange and I felt sick a lot, I thought, impossible, but might as well check, especially with our luck. And I was. However within 48 hours, things changed and I knew my joy wouldn’t be for long. I called my sister to tell her what was happening, but it’s not like she could do anything. I had two days of happiness, and now months of saddness.
I can’t even really talk about it with anyone becuase the small amount I’ve told have said I should be happy with the four I have. Of course I am, I feel blessed every day when I look at my beautiful children. Elijah is so kind and sweet, Gracie never allows for any silence to hit your ears, Eve shows so much expression and strong will, and Kaleb is my rough and tumble momma’s boy. Of course I am lucky and blessed. I know that. I realize that every time I am called to the hospital to photograph babies that didn’t make it….and I realize that every day in between. But that doesn’t mean losing this one is not hard. I have now had as many miscarriages as I have pregnancies. And unless you have had one, you can’t quite understand the loss you feel. Whether you already have one, four or ten children, having a miscarriage is still devestating. One day you have a little life inside you, and then within moments that can all change.
I’ve lost many people already in my life. My pop who did a great job giving us an amazing childhood. He stepped in and made up for the grandparents that didn’t care enough to know me. Actually I’ve lost a whole side of my family, but I guess when you don’t really know them, that loss is different.
I’ve lost a sister and her three boys.
I’ve lost a nephew that although he was only here for five days, has had a huge impact on my life.
And now I’ve lost 3 babies.
So next time you see me and are going to tell me I’m crazy for having four children, don’t. Just keep that to yourself. Because everytime I hear that now and knowing I won’t have any more chances, (and feeling very sorry for myself that I made a decision too soon) it’s like a kick in the gut. And I really don’t need to be reminded that I’m blessed to have the four I have. I already know. Especially when there are so many out there that can’t have just one. But that still doesn’t make me feel less sad.
Sorry that this was not the usual post about the funny things that happen in the Bickle household…as there are many. And I know miscarriage is still a taboo thing to talk about, but sometimes, you just have to spill your guts. I will return to telling the funny things my kids do and say, because I have for sure been slacking on this….
