Then once all the icecream was busy running down faces or rubbed into shirts, we wrote a little message from each child (and one for me) on a balloon and got ready to let them go!

And then we watched as they went up into the sky. The kids were excited that you were going to get balloons on your birthday, so I’m glad we did it.  Maybe it will be our new tradition for your birthday. I try hard to celebrate your life, the time I had with you, but sometimes it is so hard not to just be so sad.  I’m thinking of you a lot mom, hope your having a big beautiful celebration. xox

Yesterday I buried you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think at 28 I would be standing around your gravesite. I’m still finding it hard to believe. Hard to contemplate what life will be like without you. I think in the next six months the things you will miss. The girls starting Kindergarten. Elijah finishing JK and moving up to SK. Riding his bike without training wheels. Kaleb being potty trained and actually talking now. Kaleb turning 2, the girls turning 4. Cheering on Elijah at his soccer games.  Watching the kids swim in the pool. And that is just the beginning, and that is just with me and my family.  You had easter presents sitting waiting to give to the kids in a few weeks – although you already gave the kids their rubber boots cause you couldn’t wait until then.  You always went overboard on occasions, giving the kids big goody bags full of candy, toys and clothes. You loved to spoil your grandchildren.

Gracie keeps asking when you are coming back from Heaven. When dad left my house the other day Eve yelled out “bye Nonee and Poppa!” and Elijah keeps saying he’s sad.  I know they are kids, and kids bounce back and that they will be fine. But it still breaks my heart to think of the things you would have loved to be a part of with them growing up.  How proud you would have been of them.

I don’t know what to do, or to think, or to feel right now. Half of me expects you to come walking down the hall still. And the other half just feels so much saddness and guilt. I didn’t even call you to say goodbye before we left on our trip. I thought I was too busy. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of the times I didn’t pick up the phone at the end of the day to see what you were up to because I was just tired from the day.  I’m sorry for not hugging you more or telling you I love you and appreciate you more. I’m sorry I took you forgranted and expected you to just always be there for me when I needed you.  I hope you know how much I loved you. How much I depended on your advice. How much I appreciated you.  I hope you  know how much my heart hurts for you now.

If I could climb into bed, close the blinds and my eyes and block the world out, I would. I just want to sleep my pain away. But I try to think of all the good times, all of the things that will bring a smile to me. And I think of all the nurses, doctors, and paramedics that came to your funeral, that said how much of an amazing nurse you were. There were patients that came because you made an impact on them when you took care of them. You loved being a nurse. And you were a good one. I always think of my life and that I want to do things that matter, that help others, that make an impact on lives. You did this. You helped people in times that they felt helpless. You did this often, and you did this well. I hope you know that.

I try to remind myself that you are now in the most amazing place possible, with nothing but love and happiness surrounding you.  But out of selfishness I want you here.  I never cared that we had such a small family, that nan and pop were the only ones around because you and dad gave us a great childhood. But with you gone, it’s like a big chunk has been taken away. We just keep thinking, ‘what do we do now’. Everyone keeps telling me I’m strong enough to get through this. And I know I am. Happy times will come again, and life will go on. But right now, I feel like a weight is crushing me, like at any time I will burst into tears and not be able to stop. Your absence will always be felt, there will be a constant reminder everytime something happens that you are not here to share in it.

Mom, I didn’t tell you in awhile, so I’m going to tell you now. Thank you for all of the opportunities you gave me growing up.  The times spent with us that have created amazing memories.  Loving my children so deeply and unconditionally. I’m sorry for the times I caused you grief and upset. I’m sorry for anything I ever said that hurt you. I love you.  And I will do my very best to remind your grandbabies how much you loved them, and how much you mattered to us. I have comfort knowing you are being Miners to my three babies I never got to meet.

So until we meet again,

Jube xox

Elijah has beautiful thick brown hair with two cowlicks in the front. I prefer to keep it a bit longer but Nathan is always bugging me to cut it. Just the other day I was looking at it while he was eating breakfast and thinking that it was at perfect length and will look adorable in some beach photos on our family trip.
Later on that day when I was at work, Nathan phoned me to tell me there had been an accident. You do not phone a mom and start the conversation like that, especially if you are a slow talker…and then follow with, it sounds worse then it really is….
When I finally got Nathan to talk, the way I heard it, I thought it had happened to kaleb. So I burst out crying. Then Nathan said, I told him I would shave my head to match him but he told me he didn’t want me to be hurt too….I then stopped crying to ask who the accident had happened to, and he said elijah. I stopped crying (ya, I know, I get the bad mom award) because out of all of them its best it happened to him, and not kalebs beautiful long curls. Then I got on the phone with him and asked how he was doing and he said he wanted me to come home. So I packed it up and headed home. Let me just say, it was worse in person then it was in the picture Nathan sent me. I just stood there and didn’t know what to do. And you don’t want to make a big deal cause then that upsets them more. So I ended up shaving it right off as low as it would go. Then I went upstairs and cried. When I was done, we sat in front of the mirror for awhile and stared while he asked questions. He asked me if he was still a boy and I assured him he was. He said he couldn’t play soccer now because he couldn’t run fast with hair like this, I assured him that it will grow back by then. And then he was silent while he moved his head back and forth. Then he said, can you come to school i don’t want to get teased. Oh yes, I will come to school, and nobody is going to tease my baby.

And I have to say, school wasn’t too bad. When the kids walked in they asked what happened and then one little boy walked in and said, what kind of a haircut is that? And elijah responded, its not a haircut I got a screw in my head. Silence. Then ‘cool’. And after a few rubbed it, they moved on.
It’s been a bit of an adjustment. I’m not noticing it as much when I look at him, but when somebody sees him for the first time there sure is a reaction. I have learned from this that when I see a kid after some kind of accident that alters their appearance, the thing not to do is stare open mouthed while pointing and saying what happened. They don’t like it.
Nathan said he thought I was going to freak out a whole lot more, but what would that have done? At least hair grows back….and luckily it wasn’t one of the girls….or kaleb. It could have been a lot worse, I sure know that.
It doesn’t matter what exactly happened, the good thing is, he still loves his younger brother.

I’ve always been a list person. I make to do lists for my to do lists. I love checking things off, just as much as I love adding new things to check off. It’s weird I know, but that’s what I love. There are nights I lay in bed and mentally make my lists…sometimes I even drag myself out of my warm blankets and to my office to write things down I’m thinking about. My bucket list is large, and I add to it continually. You never know what time you are given, so you might as well do as much as you can.

The last couple of days I’ve sat and thought about the things I’ve done, the things that have made the most impact to me….I married my highschool sweetheart (although it was a rollercoaster to get there, it was the best decision I’ve made in that area of my life); we built our first house, doing most of it on our own with help from friends and family on jobs we had no clue how to do it (I can remember being 6 months pregnant with Elijah and tiling the shower in the bathroom…..I would lay a tile and then get up to throw up in the toilet, then lay another tile….) ; at the same time we decided to start a family (ok, that is a lie, we decided we would wait two years and within that week I found out we were going to wait 8 months) I decided to start my own business.  It’s been a very hard process, the longest I took for maternity leave was a month and there are times that 60+ hour work weeks take it’s toll ; my job is something I love, and I know that not everyone can say that ; I have been to Africa and Ecuador to work in orphanages ; I have raised over $10,000 so far in my 28 years for different charities and have given away over $3000 in services for charities and fundraisers….and I know this number will increase many times throughout the years; I have four beautiful children ; I have lost three children ; I had a pregnancy that occurs 1% of the time in twins with many many risks, but we managed and things worked out better than expected ; I’m an aunt to six (three of which I will probably never know) ; In the past three years alone I have had six surgeries, one being on my heart ; We bought the best bed ever….ok, I have to put this in here, cause I never realized how much of an impact this can have! I LOVE my bed, I enjoy getting into it now, sometimes don’t want to get out of it, and sleep so much better….I wish we had splurged on this a long time ago! ; I have a small circle of good friends that are awesome and genuine….I would rather have one friend that actually cared about me then ten that kinda did ; I’m a strong and independent person that has no problem getting things done on my own….and often when I set my sights on something I’m gonna do it! ….I don’t say these things for a pat on my back. I say these things as a check list for myself, and a reminder that there are still so many things to do.

I look in the mirror and sometimes want to cringe.  I have a scar that travels from one hip bone to the other and stretch marks that have carved out memories of babies moving and kicking inside me.  I have scars from where they went in to fix my heart. I have bags under my eyes that seem to be permanent and on many occasion like to give me that black eye look.  I have hair that half the time doesn’t see a brush but gets wrestled into the famous ponytail bun I wear most of the time. My face is rounder, my arms more jiggly and my legs thicker than they were before babies.  But then I remind myself that that scar, stretch marks and bags under my eyes are results of four amazing miracles that drive me crazy and fill me with love. The hair is my own laziness…..and the rounder face, jiggly arms and ticker bottom….I’m working on it, 5 days a week at the gym.

I haven’t accomplished everything I had wished by now, but that’s ok. Nobody’s perfect, and I’m far from it.  But today I am thankful for the time I’ve been given already to accomplish some of the things.

I’ve intended to, but sometimes I get side tracked, forget, or just don’t. It’s horrible to say, but I’ve done it. It makes me sad because as a Christian, I know the power that prayer has. I believe that when my girls were brought into this world, all 3.11 and 4 pounds of them, there was a lot of prayer going on. First, for them to be the size they were was amazing. The doctor later commented on the fact that their umbilial cords were so intertwined he didn’t know how one did not get pinched off. Then, within hours they were shipped away, gone.  I believe somebody was praying for my strength, because I was out of there within 24 hours (against the doctors orders maybe because the way my heart was beating, as he put it, I should not have been able to function – I guess he forgot I was a mom and needed to get to my babies) and by my babies sides.  I believe somebody was praying for their strength, and they were strong. They did not need their breathing machines for long (Eve more then Gracie, although Gracie is the one with respiratory problems now) and although they battled an infection that brought them down into the 2 pounds, they fought it off. The nurses were all surprised with how well they were doing, and told us this often. I believe somebody was praying for us as a family, because it was tough.  Nathan would work all day, so I would either have to find a ride with somebody to Misissagua or wait until the evening, or not even get to go at all to see them, which was the hardest of all. But we stuck together, we leaned on each other and we managed. I believe somebody prayed that we would have some help, and we did. I had Elijah at home, who was 18 months and not understanding why his mommy kept leaving him. But because things just find a way to work out with enough prayer (whether it be how you were hoping or some other way), his auntie naomi was able to move in and help to take care of him and comfort him when I couldn’t be there. And then she stayed and helped with the girls for their first 8 months of life.  I believe that was a big prayer that was answered. I believe there were a lot of people praying for my little girls, and I think that is why they were home within a month of being born. Five weeks before they were even supposed to be born. I think without this prayer, we would have felt a lot more alone and grasping at anything to make it through. So thank you to all of those that took the time to say a prayer for my family and my little girls.

There have been other instances in my life that I know people have been praying for me, I mean, I was only down for one day after surgery on my heart.  That’s a pretty big deal I think! Although my symptoms have returned and more testing will be needed, I know that whatever the situation, thanks to my church, I’ve got some prayers coming my way.

I don’t want to be one of those people that says I’ll say a prayer for you and then never whisper a word. I’ve started a prayer book (just might have got the idea from the book, the Help) and each day a pray for a handful of people or situations that comes to mind.  Making the time to do this has been a bit difficult, but to me, it’s a priority, so the time is found.

My children had the Norwalk Flu last week, and it was rough in the house. I spent the nights going back and fourth to each room, changing bedsheets, changing clothes, showering off the stink….I would then crawl into bed, smelling a bit worse for wear myself, but too tired to care….just to hear another one scream for me. In the morning, after going on very little sleep I said a little prayer to give me the patience for the day since I knew I would be grumpy. I pulled myself out of bed very slowly and walked to the girls room. I opeend the door, and there was Gracie holding the bedspread wide open under Eve’s mouth and she looks at me with a big smile on her face and says “look momma, I’m catching Eve’s puke!” At least the day started with laughter.

So next time you hear yourself saying “You’re in my prayers” or “I’ll say a prayer for you” mean it.

]]> http://bicklebits.com/2012/01/31/prayer/feed/ 1 bicklebits tumblr_ldiqyalC5h1qbpwzeo1_500 http://bicklebits.com/2012/01/25/some-changes/ http://bicklebits.com/2012/01/25/some-changes/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:16:49 +0000 Jillian http://bicklebits.wordpress.com/?p=708 ]]> Due to some health reasons, I have been forced to stay in bed more then usual. I probably haven’t laid in bed this much since I was….well it’s been a long time. After surgery on my heart last year I only stayed in bed one day before I was up and going again. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s nice to be able to escape and lay all warm and comfy in this amazing king sized bed we just bought. I’ve found if I place the pillow over the top part of my head just right, it shuts out the noise and light perfectly while I can still lay comfortably and breath.  And I have to say, my husband has been doing a very good job with letting me crawl away to my dark, soft retreat when he comes home from work. And I appreciate this, because I know that he has just worked very hard all day long. But I think he knows that if he doesn’t let me do this, I might just shrivel up and fall on the floor, and then he’d have a lot more problems since we can’t get life insurance on me (thanks to this great heart of mine).

Actually, the kids have been enjoying when I run away, because within minutes they follow. They really are never far from me, they find me no matter where I go. Sometimes I hide myself in my closet when I’m talking on the phone so that I don’t sound like a crazy mom shouting at the children to be quiet or I will tape their mouths shut. Ok, I’ve never actually said this, maybe thought it but never done it.  So when they follow me up and turn my bed into a trampoline, I’ve found if I lay pretty still with the covers pulled up, it gives me a few minutes to myself, before they start digging under the covers to find mind. Tonight when this happened, I was  suprised when they dug me out, to find out I had four naked bodies in the bed with me.

I just got myself side tracked there…so anyway….with this time I’ve had to lay in bed, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Actually, I’ve been doing some serious thinking for the past few months.  Sometimes I have so much going on in my head, I actually can’t fall asleep.  So I’ve been thinking a lot about life and what role I want in it, for myself, as a mother, as a wife.  And I realized I want the direction of my blog to change a bit. I’m still going to include stories of what the kids did and our crazy household, but I want it to have a bit more depth to it. There is something else I’m putting together that I am very excited about too, but it’s not quite ready, so I’m not telling yet. But it has to do with raising spirits, giving hope, and feeling good about differences you can have in other people’s lives. So hopefully when I get it all put together and figured out, I can get some readers, so that we can affect and make a difference to more people.  Because there is so much that we can do globally but also locally….in so many different ways.

You’re going to think I’m crazy after I write this, and maybe I am. But one of the things I’ve decided is, I want to be more open, honest, and loving.  I’m not the person I hope to be yet, and I’ve got a lot of soul searching still to do. But sometimes I sit and think what I would hope people would feel at my funeral. I warned you, you would think I was crazy. The characteristics I would want people to feel I was, I’m not all there yet. And I know some of them will be a big struggle, and each day I will have to remind myself and start over and work harder to get there.  But as we’ve all heard so many times before that it sounds cheesy now saying it: We only have one life to live.  And as Mother Theresa said: (I just might quote her often, I love her wisdom) ”Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin”

So here I begin this new journey, with lots of things to come…..

Eve picked out her outfit today…for a comfy day at home. The two of them are starting to insist oh picking their clothes. Sometimes I catch them in their closets just looking at their clothes….oh boy.

After supper tonight we got the color wonder (where you color the special paper and it goes on clear and dries the color) out for the kids to do before bath. I was helping elijah so Nan was helping the girls. Gracie asked Nan to help color so she picked one and started to color. After a couple of seconds she said, “oh that’s white” and got another color only to have the same outcome. After doing this with five of the markers I realized what she was doing and explained the concept to her. Gracie then laughs and says “silly nanny”. Then elijah looks at Gracie and in a serious voice says “Gracie, she’s pretty old you know”. I love you Nan xox

After supper tonight we got the color wonder (where you color the special paper and it goes on clear and dries the color) out for the kids to do before bath. I was helping elijah so Nan was helping the girls. Gracie asked Nan to help color so she picked one and started to color. After a couple of seconds she said, “oh that’s white” and got another color only to have the same outcome. After doing this with five of the markers I realized what she was doing and explained the concept to her. Gracie then laughs and says “silly nanny”. Then elijah looks at Gracie and in a serious voice says “Gracie, she’s pretty old you know”. I love you Nan xox