Bickle Bits

In my opinion, prayer is a very powerful thing. If you believe in what you are doing, prayer can encourage, give strength, heal….it can make such a difference.  I often see on the wonderful Facebook people mention a crises and many people comment below saying “you are in my prayers” or “I’m praying for you”. It’s very easy to say, but it’s another thing to actually do. I have wondered many times when seeing this how many people write it, but don’t act on it. I can put my hand up and say “Me. I’ve done that.”

I’ve intended to, but sometimes I get side tracked, forget, or just don’t. It’s horrible to say, but I’ve done it. It makes me sad because as a Christian, I know the power that prayer has. I believe that when my girls were brought into this world, all 3.11 and 4 pounds of them, there was a lot of prayer going on. First, for them to be the size they were was amazing. The doctor later commented on the fact that their umbilial cords were so intertwined he didn’t know how one did not get pinched off. Then, within hours they were shipped away, gone.  I believe somebody was praying for my strength, because I was out of there within 24 hours (against the doctors orders maybe because the way my heart was beating, as he put it, I should not have been able to function – I guess he forgot I was a mom and needed to get to my babies) and by my babies sides.  I believe somebody was praying for their strength, and they were strong. They did not need their breathing machines for long (Eve more then Gracie, although Gracie is the one with respiratory problems now) and although they battled an infection that brought them down into the 2 pounds, they fought it off. The nurses were all surprised with how well they were doing, and told us this often. I believe somebody was praying for us as a family, because it was tough.  Nathan would work all day, so I would either have to find a ride with somebody to Misissagua or wait until the evening, or not even get to go at all to see them, which was the hardest of all. But we stuck together, we leaned on each other and we managed. I believe somebody prayed that we would have some help, and we did. I had Elijah at home, who was 18 months and not understanding why his mommy kept leaving him. But because things just find a way to work out with enough prayer (whether it be how you were hoping or some other way), his auntie naomi was able to move in and help to take care of him and comfort him when I couldn’t be there. And then she stayed and helped with the girls for their first 8 months of life.  I believe that was a big prayer that was answered. I believe there were a lot of people praying for my little girls, and I think that is why they were home within a month of being born. Five weeks before they were even supposed to be born. I think without this prayer, we would have felt a lot more alone and grasping at anything to make it through. So thank you to all of those that took the time to say a prayer for my family and my little girls.

There have been other instances in my life that I know people have been praying for me, I mean, I was only down for one day after surgery on my heart.  That’s a pretty big deal I think! Although my symptoms have returned and more testing will be needed, I know that whatever the situation, thanks to my church, I’ve got some prayers coming my way.

I don’t want to be one of those people that says I’ll say a prayer for you and then never whisper a word. I’ve started a prayer book (just might have got the idea from the book, the Help) and each day a pray for a handful of people or situations that comes to mind.  Making the time to do this has been a bit difficult, but to me, it’s a priority, so the time is found.

My children had the Norwalk Flu last week, and it was rough in the house. I spent the nights going back and fourth to each room, changing bedsheets, changing clothes, showering off the stink….I would then crawl into bed, smelling a bit worse for wear myself, but too tired to care….just to hear another one scream for me. In the morning, after going on very little sleep I said a little prayer to give me the patience for the day since I knew I would be grumpy. I pulled myself out of bed very slowly and walked to the girls room. I opeend the door, and there was Gracie holding the bedspread wide open under Eve’s mouth and she looks at me with a big smile on her face and says “look momma, I’m catching Eve’s puke!” At least the day started with laughter.

So next time you hear yourself saying “You’re in my prayers” or “I’ll say a prayer for you” mean it.

Eve picked out her outfit today…for a comfy day at home. The two of them are starting to insist oh picking their clothes. Sometimes I catch them in their closets just looking at their clothes….oh boy.

After supper tonight we got the color wonder (where you color the special paper and it goes on clear and dries the color) out for the kids to do before bath. I was helping elijah so Nan was helping the girls. Gracie asked Nan to help color so she picked one and started to color. After a couple of seconds she said, “oh that’s white” and got another color only to have the same outcome. After doing this with five of the markers I realized what she was doing and explained the concept to her. Gracie then laughs and says “silly nanny”. Then elijah looks at Gracie and in a serious voice says “Gracie, she’s pretty old you know”. I love you Nan xox

I’ve been making an effort to go to the gym everyday and have been feeling much better about myself…now if only I could eat better! Over Christmas we turned our one room downstairs into half play room half exercise (i tell you I can’t wait until the next house when we can have a seperate toy room and seperate exercise room) so now we can workout at home too. Well today I didn’t make it to the gym (i was photographing the first 2012 baby) so I thought I would workout at home….remember I stated I don’t really have me time? That includes exercise time. Kaleb loves being part of the exercises…and if one is doing it the others like to join….

I live a very hectic and busy lifestyle. I normally get 5-6 hours of sleep each night, silence does not exist in my household, nor time to myself. It is a lifestyle I have choosen, one that I love With four children in three years and starting my own business, I knew life would be a whirlwind. I embrace it the best that I can, although lately I have to admit it feels like it is getting the better of me.

Although I love my job, it is physically and emotionally draining at times.  A lot is expected of me and people do not always realize the sacrifices I have made at times to keep it running. But it’s not my job right now draining me.

Do you know at least once a day I am told I a crazy for having four children. I don’t think this at all. Actually up until a couple months ago, we were going to be welcoming another to the household. I have to say, I was very excited, because this was a bit of a fluke. After having Kaleb, we thought we were done with babies so took the steps to make that a reality. Not the first time we made a decision too quickly. Then newborns starting flooding the studio and I realized we acted too soon, I wanted more. I kept this to myself for awhile, but then one day when my husband said to me out of the blue that he was sad Kaleb was our last baby and would have been happy to have more, I told him I thought the same. Little did I know, that was already a reality.

When my body started feeling strange and I felt sick a lot, I thought, impossible, but might as well check, especially with our luck. And I was. However within 48 hours, things changed and I knew my joy wouldn’t be for long. I called my sister to tell her what was happening, but it’s not like she could do anything. I had two days of happiness, and now months of saddness.

I can’t even really talk about it with anyone becuase the small amount I’ve told have said I should be happy with the four I have. Of course I am, I feel blessed every day when I look at my beautiful children. Elijah is so kind and sweet, Gracie never allows for any silence to hit your ears, Eve shows so much expression and strong will, and Kaleb is my rough and tumble momma’s boy. Of course I am lucky and blessed. I know that. I realize that every time I am called to the hospital to photograph babies that didn’t make it….and I realize that every day in between. But that doesn’t mean losing this one is not hard. I have now had as many miscarriages as I have pregnancies. And unless you have had one, you can’t quite understand the loss you feel. Whether you already have one, four or ten children, having a miscarriage is still devestating. One day you have a little life inside you, and then within moments that can all change.

I’ve lost many people already in my  life. My pop who did a great job giving us an amazing childhood. He stepped in and made up for the grandparents that didn’t care enough to know me. Actually I’ve lost a whole side of my family, but I guess when you don’t really know them, that loss is different.

I’ve lost a sister and her three boys.

I’ve lost a nephew that although he was only here for five days, has had a huge impact on my life.

And now I’ve lost 3 babies.

So next time you see me and are going to tell me I’m crazy for having four children, don’t. Just keep that to yourself. Because everytime I hear that now and knowing I won’t have any more chances, (and feeling very sorry for myself that I made a decision too soon) it’s like a kick in the gut. And I really don’t need to be reminded that I’m blessed to have the four I have. I already know. Especially when there are so many out there that can’t have just one. But that still doesn’t make me feel less sad.

Sorry that this was not the usual post about the funny things that happen in the Bickle household…as there are many. And I know miscarriage is still a taboo thing to talk about, but sometimes, you just have to spill your guts. I will return to telling the funny things my kids do and say, because I have for sure been slacking on this….

This is our new dog betty. She has been coming to work with me this week and this is how she likes to sleep.